Land of the Dead

There’s been quite a bit of controversy within the zombie movement lately. We, the living, have become accustomed to seeing the zombies loping along in unison, or what appears to be unison, attacking their victims, stopping to eat their flesh, and then moving on. So it’s some relief to observe the undead arguing among themselves. Nevertheless, it is difficult for anyone who is not a zombie to fully comprehend the issues involved.

John McCain appears to be headed for victory in the Republican nomination. Many zombies are visibly upset over this prospect, claiming that McCain is in fact not a zombie at all. Now, if you’ve been watching McCain over the years, and you are one of the living, it’s difficult to see what these objections are based on. McCain has the same shambling gait, the same awkward swinging of the limbs, as any other zombie. His eyes and mouth are distorted, and blood is visibly dripping from his mouth. To me, he looks more zombie-like than many of the more outspoken undead people who are attacking him. Moreover, he has made a point of publicly devouring human flesh. He’s even gone to the lengths of eating a dead baby on TV.

His critics, however, claim that this is mere pandering. They point out that he’s never been seen ripping the organs out of a human being, at least not in front of a camera. He’s only been seen eating the flesh of people who are already dead. They could have been killed by someone else. He has expressed views in the past that have sounded suspiciously like those of the living. There’s also this matter of his popularity with the press. Admittedly, there are plenty of zombie journalists and pundits now, but the press is still regarded with extreme suspicion by the undead community.

There were similar problems, you may recall, when Harriet Miers was nominated to the Supreme Court. Even though she had prepared many bodies to be eaten by others, there were doubts as to her own flesh-eating proclivities. We saw in this case that the standards for bona fide zombie leadership had become much stricter since the ghouls had taken the White House in 2000. It wasn’t enough that a person had died and then risen from the grave to stalk the living. Their capacity for mayhem, and their appetite for flesh, had to be impeccable.

Our political discourse is incredibly confusing these days because both the living and the undead use the same terminology, but with widely different meanings. Within the living community there are differing attitudes towards the zombie movement. Polling indicates that most of us are tired of these rampaging reanimated corpses, and that it doesn’t make any difference to us whether a zombie actually eats flesh, or just helps other zombies secure their meat. We want a government, and a policy, that promotes the interests of the living. On the other hand, there are still quite a few among the more prominent and privileged classes who seek to cooperate with the zombies in a “non-partisan” manner. Sometimes you can’t tell whether these people have become zombies themselves or are just deluded. It’s more difficult to tell the difference than it used to be, judging just from appearances. I suspect that many of those calling for cooperation are afraid that they will be devoured unless they go along. On the other hand, if they placate the zombies, they may be allowed to become one of them after they’re dead. The zombie leaders have proven adept at employing this strategy to divide us.

If you watch the Zombie Channel for an extended time, you will be astonished at how familiar words and phrases have changed in meaning in order to fit the zombie agenda. For instance, “freedom” means having a choice between different kinds of human flesh, without government interference. But there’s no concept of freedom as the choice not to be eaten in the first place. It also constantly warns of a threat from the zombies overseas who worship a different blood-sucking monster than the American zombies do. I suppose this makes some kind of sense, but then there is the constant implication that living people are somehow in league with these foreign zombies, which although completely false has gained a lot of traction as a dividing tactic.

I’ve always argued that the entire zombie enterprise is a failure, and that we need to turn our backs on this whole undead business if we are to move forward as a nation. The important thing in this election year will be for living voters to not be fooled by all the talk about McCain not being a zombie. There’s blood coming out of his mouth, so don’t vote for him. Hopefully the controversy over McCain within the zombie movement will keep many zombies from voting, and give the White House back to a living human. Now, I know that the Democrats have been scandalously weak when it comes to resisting the flesh-eaters. Over and over again, they’ve betrayed our interests in order to gain zombie support and funding. Many zombies have infiltrated the party while pretending to be still alive. But we have to start somewhere. The election of a human being, however weak or compromised, may at least help start a process of zombie regulation and oversight, and curb the movement’s worst excesses. There’s so much blood and organs and rotting flesh lying around, that I don’t think we can stand the stench for another four years. Enough is enough.